Imagine: You and your significant other (SO) have crested the final climb on a bucket list trail. The view is breathtaking, your snacks delicious, and you’re about to rip down a killer descent to the camp where cold brews and a bonfire await. You start the descent, hooping and hollering the whole way. You finish the ride, look at your SO, give them a kiss or a high five, whatever your relationship thing is, and rejoice. You feel happy, tired, perfect. Then…you wake up. It was all a dream. But, with some patience and hard work, it could be your reality.

As a queer, former classroom teacher, and coach, I thought I was immune to the horrors associated with teaching your SO to mountain bike. I am patient, I’m a freaking teacher! I literally teach people how to mountain bike for a living, and I have a blissful marriage that is rarely explosive, inflammatory, or argumentative. I was quickly corrected when part way into a slightly steeper than beginner grade climb my own SO, Michelle, exclaimed between wheezing breaths, “What about this is fun for you?” I stood silent and watched as she fumbled to dismount and walked her bike up the rock I had effortlessly ridden over. We finished the ride in silence.

Sound familiar? Let me help! I want to set you and your partner up for a lifetime of love and fun on the trails. Follow these 7 steps to relationship and trail bliss:)

1) Set Expectations.

This is equally important for you, the more experienced rider, and your SO, the beginner. This is NOT your ride! This is about the two of you, and helping your SO improve. Have a CONVERSATION about the ride. How long does your SO want to be out? What are they nervous about? What did they like about the last ride they did? Talk about these things before you head out!

2) Put the Beginner First.

Literally. Let them ride in front. There are a host of benefits to this, but 3 specific reasons I”d like to highlight:

1) No on likes to play “catch-up.” I clearly remember when I was learning to ride and I was the slower and less skilled rider in the group. I felt like I was always playing catch-up. We would all start together, chipper and cheery. As we pedaled down the trail the gap between them and me slowly widened. I’d eventually catch up at a trail junction or beautiful look out only to find the group sitting around chatting. Snacks already eat, bathroom break over, laughter shared. As soon as I rolled up they’d hop on their bikes and say, “oh good you’re here! Let’s roll,” Needless to say the gap between us widened. The same is true when you are out with your SO. No one likes to feel like they are being “waited for.” So put the beginner in front and ride at their pace. Practice riding switch (opposite foot in front) or perfecting your no brake turns or manuals. This also gives you the ability to watch your SO ride and notice specific things they are doing well.

2) They can see the trail through their eyes. One of my early rides with Michelle was in the shadow of Mt. Rainier and we were riding the sunrise trail. For most of the descent she was riding in the lead. At one point we switched and I rode down a narrow, rooty shoot without thinking much of it. Calamity ensued as I heard the unmistakable thud of a body flying over handlebars and hitting the ground. Fortunately, Michelle was fine. She was more shocked, “You made it look so easy I didn’t think there was a hard part coming up!” When the beginner is in front they pick their own line and decide for themselves if a feature is rideable or not. Another early learning experience I encountered, this one on Surveyor’s ridge, close to Mt. Hood. Michelle stopped mid descent and asked me how I would ride down a section of rocks. I balked. To me, the section she pointed out was so minimal, so insignificant, I had barely given it a seconds thought. But to her the section was rife with unknowns such as how her tires would react with the cracks in the rock and questions regarding line choice of up and over or around rocks. Since she was in front she was able to set her own pace, stay safe, and stop when she wanted to check out the trail without feeling like she was constantly struggling to play catch up or ride a line she wasn’t ready for. NOTE: sometimes following a better rider is the best way to improve. But have this conversation! Does the newer rider want to ride first, or do they want to follow?

3) It’s more fun to ride with someone than alone - Humans are social beings and we crave shared experiences. One of my all time favorite things about mountain biking is ripping down a trail with someone in close proximity. I love the hooping and hollering that comes from a shared ride experience of close calls, epic jumps, or beautiful views. If you are way in front there is no shared ride experience. Sure you can talk about it when they “catch-up,” but why not slow down and experience the ride together.

3) Compliments only - and they better be sincere AF.

“Why don’t you try swinging your leg over the saddle rather than stepping over the top tube?” I asked Michelle mid early learning ride. “YOU ALREADY TOLD ME THAT!” The fiery retort came.

This one has been the hardest for me to learn and actually do. I’m a teacher, remember? I can tell another rider all day long what they need to do in order to improve. But oftentimes it’s not about knowing what to do, it’s a matter of being in a headspace where you’re able to hear feedback and have the prerequisite skills to apply it.

As experienced riders we want to help. We know so much and we want to share that information with our loved one to help them improve. But we need to recognize our SOs are at the edge of their comfort zone, maybe even way out of their comfort zone! They are pushing their boundaries, want to impress us, terrified of letting us down, and full of their own insecurities. Therefore, every word out of our mouth is heard through the lens of panic, insecurity, and discomfort. What sounds like a harmless suggestion from you is interpreted as a criticism from them. The best thing you can do is pay attention to their riding and tell them what they are doing right! “You’re doing a great job of standing up when you ride over rocks.” Or, “Great job navigating that tight switch back.” Yes, they are shifting too late before the hill, yes they should be standing not sitting for the descent, yes they should lift their front tire to get over the root rather than slamming into it. But you are with an ADULT. Let them learn at their pace and when they want help they will ask for it. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT offer up your wisdom, beta, advice, unless they ask for it or are in a headspace and have the skills to apply it!

Michelle has progressed tremendously on the bike! Photo: Nikki Rohan

I’m not saying you need to be all rainbows and no rain clouds here, but if you have constructive feedback ask first before freely offering it up. For example, we were recently grinding up a climb and I heard the awful gear crunching sound of Michelle shifting under too much pressure, again. So I casually said, “Hey, can I tell you something about your bike?” Between heavy breaths she quickly retorted, “Not right now.” She was at capacity, sweating up a long hill and not in the headspace to hear anything from me. At the top of the climb, after water and a rest and said, “OK, what were you going to say about my bike?” This approach allows the learner to be in control of when they receive feedback, rather than feeling like they are being judged or criticized.

4) Scout difficult features and set limits on attempts.

In kayaking, it’s very common to get out of the water and “scout” an upcoming rapid. If you know there is an especially tricky section coming up, let your SO know and get off the bike (make sure to set bikes off the trail) and walk down to inspect the feature. Talk about various ways to ride the trail, and only give them a demo of you riding it if they ask! If your SO decides they want to try, set a limit on the number of attempts and ask if they want you to watch or not. I’ve encountered couples who prefer for their SO NOT to watch a first attempt. Now for the hardest part. DO NOT GIVE THEM FEEDBACK UNLESS THEY ASK FOR IT! Again go back to rule #3 -complements only!

5) Bring delicious snacks.

One of my favorite parts of riding are the ride snacks. I have friends who always bring a ride beverage as well. Pick something fun and delicious that can be a perfect, fun, mid ride treat and potentially relieve some built up stress or anxiety. If it’s a little chilly pack some hot chocolate in a thermos. Or throw in some gummy bears, snickers, or pop-tarts. Cheese and crackers! Yes please! Whatever you decide, make it fun and make it delicious.

6) Pick an appropriate ride

Carol Dweck, the psychologist most well known for authoring the book, “Mindset” likes to talk about the “just right challenge.” Through her research, she found people are motivated by challenges, but only if the challenge is just beyond what a person is capable of. If the challenge is too hard, it’s a turn off and likewise if the challenge is too easy. Take the same approach to trail selection. You could also call this the “Goldilocks trail.” I continue to eff this one up, but did it numerous times early in our relationship. On multiple occasions and brought my SO to climb UP trails such as Dog River, and Falls Creek (both located in the greater Columbia River Gorge and both trails that are considered by most to be downhill only trails). Finding the correct trail can be its own challenge. But trust me on this, put some thought into trail selection and the payoffs will be huge. Your SO will build confidence, have fun, and want to ride more! WIN WIN WIN. NOTE: See below for beginner recommendations in the Hood River area.

7) This is about FUN.

Yes there will be struggle, but if the fun to struggle ration is tipped too far, it’s not worth it. Whenever tension starts to build, which it will, take a deep breath, exhale and remember this is ultimately about having a good time together:)

BONUS #8) Take a skills clinic.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever given your SO advice or made a suggestion only to have it be promptly ignored. Then, your mutual friend provides the very same advice or suggestion and your SO wholeheartedly agrees. It’s not my job to dissect the psychology of that broken record, but a skills clinic is the closest thing you’re going to get to a friend whispering your own ideas into your SO’s ear. Let a professional break down the basics of mountain biking and teach your SO all the things you’ve wanted to teach them. Let them learn from a professional and come back to you more confident and ready to tackle new terrain and adventures!

I hope you find these tips helpful. I’d love to hear success stories or additional strategies couples have taken to make mountain biking a fun and positive experience for both parties involved. Let me know if these tips help you realize that hooping and hollering dream.

If you’re looking for a skills clinic in Hood River, check out the Brave Endeavors offerings HERE.

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